Let me first say, that it has taken me years*
*by years I clearly mean five years working in the intense customer service/hospitality industry during a busy ass holiday season
accumulating this data, and I feel this is the year to reveal everything I know. I'm sorry if this offends you, but it is basically scientific fact. Blondes are bitches. Stupid bitches, at that. I know, I know. You're asking yourselves how I could possibly attack people based on their hair colour, right? (maybe not all of you are wondering...) Little known fact to you, I'm brunette. Almost dark enough to be black, but the birth certificate says brunette. I never had the inkling to be blonde, when I went through the “dye your hair to look cool” phase of life, I dyed my hair shades of red, black and purple. Yes, at the same time.
Now, though, I look somewhat normal (some people object to that, those people aren't reading this right now) I've started looking at people and trying to judge their character by how they dress, speak and hold themselves in a public setting. Intoxication levels are also taken into account, and sometimes I'm lucky enough to see both the before, during and after. I've boiled it down to hair colour determining how fantastic you are.
Redheads? They are wild, motherfuckers. I have yet to have a true ginger not come into my hotel and create such havoc that the room they're given can be sold the next day. Today, for example, three rooms are out of order and of those three rooms, two of them had gingers. I love them, though, because while they bring the wild out like no tomorrow, they do it in a generally respectful manner. I didn't even know those two rooms were being systematically destroyed last night, because the Reds destroyed that shit quietly. Like goddamn ninjas.
Brunettes? We are a tricky breed. Most of the time we're assholes, and give other brunettes a lot of shit. I've noticed that unless a brunette is feeling kind, or likes staring at my tits, they'll ignore me and do whatever the fuck they want to. For the most part, though, a warning can shut them up and make them turn into bargaining “please don't kick us out we'll behave” children. I can handle most brunettes, and last night they listened pretty fucking well. Only 300 dollars in noise complaint charges last night in the brunette section.
Blondes? I motherfucking hate blondes right now. I'm sorry, I know that's harsh. I have friends who had the misfortune of being born blonde. They're nice enough people. It looks like my nephew might be a blonde. I'm hoping he doesn't turn into an asshole, but it wouldn't shock me if he did. Last night I had to deal with four major Blonde moments. None of them funny or pretty, at least, during the time. One blonde moment was when I was busy calling cabs for people to go out and celebrate the New Year. Little Miss Thang decides I wasn't doing a good enough job and tried to come around the counter to touch my phone. I had security (in the form of a maintenance guy who drew the short stick) so when I hollered at her he got all grr face, but I had the situation handled. Miss Thang went away and outside, with the help of her beau.
Second Blonde to fuck with my relatively peaceful night was so intoxicated it was intense. I was drunk just breathing near her, y'all. I automatically put on my Kid Gloves to handle her, because I know from experiences Super Drunk Blondes are ticking time bombs. I wasn't proven wrong this time, either. Her and her friend (a drunk Brunette) came to the desk because they had lost their key. Not a problem, you say? I disagree. By Law, it is technically illegal for me to make a new key for a person not registered to the room they are trying to get into. Now, during the weeknight, if I know the person, or I know they're staying in a room and they aren't registered to the room (normally a construction crew being lax on putting all the names down), I'll let it slide and give them a key. New Years Eve, where experience tells me the number of domestics and “you can't fucking stay here anymore, bitch” moments that I dealt with? You ain't on the card, you ain't getting in. I was a stone cold bitch. I offered alternatives to the ladies, and tried to keep the situation as calm as I could, but Super Drunkie was having none of it. J (my maintenance guy) was on edge, because he's not used to me getting yelled at. I let them call this guy from my work phone, but he wasn't answering. She told me she was a receptionist and let people dial the phone themselves all the time (which I wouldn't do, partly because germs, partly because drunkie, partly because I'm a bitch and mainly because I never let anyone behind the desk and the phone is a goddamn giant one that's attached to the actual desk) and I MUST be the problem, dialling the wrong number over and over. Yeah. Oh-kay. Drunk versus painfully sober? Nice try.
Twenty minutes of sitting in the lobby later, the guy comes in with two other girls and thus ensues a minor freakout because Drunkie thought he was ditching her. He let her come up, and she got all snarky “I told you so” on me, to which I laughed and asked her to remember this for next year, when she had to sign in and read the papers that clearly state “If You Aren't On The Registration Card, You Will Not Get A Key”.
Hallway Blonde was half drunk and half stupid, but Fully ready to debate with me about that paper I just mentioned. New Years Eve, it is standard for a hotel to have extra forms and coverage for people to sign. We aren't stupid, kids. You cannot check into a hotel on New Years Eve and genuinely expect us to not assume you're there to party and drink and be stupid. We cover our asses with a piece of paper that states The Hotel has the right to evict without notice, The Hotel has the right to charge for noise without a prior warning, and The Hotel has the right to refuse permitting anyone into the hotel without proper ID.
Hallway Blonde and her 10 friends decided to party in the upstairs hallway. I got my ass reamed out, my ear torn off and verbally spanked by no less than six people who were trying to sleep at 5 am because of them. Guess how excited I was to walk my ass upstairs and deal with them? Automatic noise charges, that's how excited. I walk up, and most of the group is apologetic and stupidly telling me the room numbers (I would have stayed upstairs longer to watch them go into the rooms, but they for the most part told me the rooms they were in-made my job easier) and agreeing to go straight to bed. Hallway Blonde thought I was in the wrong and proceeded to lecture me for my approach and execution of clearing the hallways out. I asked her if she had read the paperwork and signed it, and she had. I politely may have told her that I didn't need to be so nice to give the $100 a room charge, I could just tell them to get up and leave my hotel. It clearly states this in the paperwork. She then argued that she wasn`t in the room so it shouldn`t count. At that point I pulled the paperwork out (I had the foresight to have a blank copy of the paperwork the drunks had signed with me) and pointed to the part that states they are responsible for their actions in any part of the hotel, inside or out. As long as they are on the property, if they are excessively stupid (aka noisy) I can charge or evict as I see fit.*
*I was God last night, people. I ruled with an Iron Fist and rocked the audit harder than Ron Jeremy`s erection.
She then went on a rampage that had four people coming out of their rooms to not only yell at her to shut up, but at me for not containing the noise. I apologised to the people who she had woken up, told her friends she had ten seconds to get into her room and to expect a higher noise charge. They wisely listened and that was that.
The last Blonde, is my most favourite Blonde ever. Blonde Number 4 is male, for starters. He was the only person I called the police on last night, and the only person to successfully get four seperate rooms noise complaint charges. He was so intoxicated it was kind of humorous. Unfortunately, he was also incredibly tall and bulky and did not like listening to people. He got the rooms he was in the noise charges, and those people had the wise notion to kick him the fuck out of their rooms before they got evicted (at that point, I was ready to just boot the lot of them, they were making my night less than pleasant). So Dumbass (appropriate nickname and you will read why in a minute) decided to take his half full case of crappy beer and leave my property. Drinking an open beer.
I cannot express to you how fucking stupid that is. Technically, you can`t drink in my lobby or hallways. The Hotel owns that property, and we are not licensed so we can technically be fined. But in the hotel rooms? That is different. The guest technically owns that property for the night, or however long they rented the room for. We cannot control the drinking (or other things) in that room, even though we try to monitor it. But the second you leave my property, and possibly endanger something or someone else? I personally can get fined up to FIVE GRAND for not calling the cops to alert them. Plus Dumbass was a true douchecanoe, and I wanted to stick it to him.
When I called the police, the lady taking the information down actually sighed. It turns out another hotel in my city got the shitty party people and their hotel only has 5 (out of 110 rooms) available to sell, because the rest of them had to be put out of order. The cops were just down the street from me the whole time. Twenty minutes later, Dumbass comes back raging, ready to throw a few swings and I possibly taunted him. I`m an asshole, and even if J hadn`t been there I still would have taunted him. I was standing by the panic button (still so fucking cool to say) and the cops hadn`t left yet, they were watching him to make sure he got into his room. He huffed and puffed and made more noise, but eventually he went to his room and I went back to playing solitaire.
Now, I respect that there are some blondes out there who are fabulous and well behaved members of society. Those blondes do not come to my hotel or live in my city. I also took age into account while accumulating data, but for the most part, age has no affect when you look at hair colour.
Instead of charging based on age, I might start charging more based on hair colour. See how that works out.
Here`s hoping 2012 brings me more whore stories (I know you love them), less crazies hiding in my storage rooms, and a more interesting social life.
How did you guys celebrate the New Year?
